Come Home

Image

There has been a struggle in keeping to my meditation as of late. I feel like an empty shell. I feel chained to a land in which I don’t belong or want to live, and yet I have no where else to go. I feel weighed down by the burden of loneliness. I haven’t ever really found my peace about being here. In Austria. I feel frustrated because after 14 years of living in this place I still can’t make lasting connections, and yet am I alluding myself? An old friend, student called me today to see if I would like to join her for a visit to the theater. I had seen her just last week at a poetry reading where I was performing some of my pieces in support for Austrian women’s shelters. A few years had gone by since I had seen her last. I received some powerful feedback from others that night. A gentle reminder from the universe that I am still connected to my inner voice. She was part of that encouragement. So, I accepted her invitation. I accepted because this is the first invitation…personal invitation I’ve received from anyone to do something in a long time.

I am struggling today with self-sabatage. I should be doing something, and yet my pioneering spirit isn’t feeling very adventurous. It is almost like I have to force myself to do anything. I am suppose to be getting organized  and packing to move by the end of the month. I am not feeling motivated.

Maya Angelou died just a few days ago. She was for me a living example of how to be true to oneself. A spiritual mentor whose integrity rested over me like a veil upon the face of light. The brightness of her inner beauty hasn’t been extinguished, but her passing has momentarily caused me to pause.

Image

I feel the old wounds, but it isn’t my reality today. I am looking within to find the strength to take another step forward. All the critical voices swirling in my mind. The ache in my heart intense at the moment. I trust if I stay mindfully with it that the pain will subside.

A voice whispers,”Finish writing and then go to the theater…everything changes…move with what’s being done. Let go of the familiar and the comfort it brings. You are faithful and have always known this about yourself. Stay true to yourself…even if life seems bleak right now…even if the emptiness is overwhelming you.”

“You write words, and don’t feel like a writer. You judge yourself so often. This is self-sabatage. When will you accept yourself? You come home to yourself sometimes, but then make excuses that you can’t stay for long. You only come to visit. Don’t you ever get tired of wandering without protection? If you stayed home in the light of your soul long enough you might find an altogether new adventure.”

Image

“And yes, it is I, your own soul, whispering to you now even as you move this pen across the page. The protection you seek, the safe haven, is here within yourself. It is a home that has always been open to you, but you are a prodigal wandering aimlessly. There is a time coming very soon when you will hear your voice clearly…the voice of a stranger who will call you home.”

“Come home. You are wanted home. You are missed. Come home. Be at home. Home is your protection.”

“Each time you came for a visit you sensed this more and more.”

“Come home to the light of your soul, and be healed. Let healing begin in the safety of home. Let healing begin in the protection of your heart.”

“Open your heart to yourself. Open the door and come inside where you will greet the stranger who was yourself with open arms of love.”

A Whisper of Promise

Image

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
~Bob Marley~

*photo by Wolf

Love Isn’t Made

Performed by Jon Foreman

Lyrics:

An hour ago
I felt so low
I almost drowned
Driving around this messed up town

It’s pretty, it’s only
I felt so lonely
And I knew all night
I’d never find a face can understand how much I miss you now

And so I arrive
At the conclusion
Love isn’t made
Love doesn’t sell or pay
But we buy and sell our love away

Escaped to the water
I stare up at the stars
And moon and sky
I was lying on my back with my fingers in the sand

Alone in Miami
It sounds so funny
And yet here I am
It’s funny how life is seldom what you plan

And so I arrive
At the conclusion
Love isn’t made
Love doesn’t sell or pay
But we buy and sell our love away

Don’t let the panic bring you down
Don’t let the panic bring you down
(Don’t let it bring you down)
Don’t let the panic bring you down
Love isn’t made

(Don’t let the panic bring you down)
How could we have let this go?
(Don’t let the panic bring you down)
How could we have almost lost it all?
(Don’t let the panic bring you down)
Don’t let the panic bring you down
(Don’t let the panic bring you down)
How had we forgotten
Love isn’t made

*For you Wolf ❤