The Pain of Being Pruned

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“Trust is my strength…and from trust I live.”

-Hermann Hesse

This hurts…terribly. Being pierced in the heart. Cracking open. Raw vulnerability.  Dying a slow death. Being pruned time and time again.

Pema Chödrön describes a time in her life when she had the following quote pinned to her wall, “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.” She shares that even before she heard of Buddhist teachings she knew this to be the spirit of true awakening.

When you’re suffering it can be so paralyzing that you wonder if you will ever have a chance for happiness. Change has a way of seeping into our lives whether we’re ready or not.

Chödrön depicts it as “Letting ourselves be nailed to the present moment.” This has been my experience…and it has left me with two possibilities either to let it harden me or to walk through the portal towards self-compassion. What happens next is a good question. That is where the strength of trust kicks in…it is the difference between being alive and living.

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Heart Space

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“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

-Pema Chödrön-

Am I brave enough to face the truth about myself?! Am I brave enough to face my fears? I feel so raw…so vulnerable. But then how can I ever hope to be fearless if I don’t face my fears? I hesitate…as each day begins…when was the last time I could stand tall? Healing…I can only breathe…I feel pain, but where did it come from? Just how big is my heart anyways…

“You are the sky. Everything else…it’s just the weather.”

-Pema Chödrön-

When I breathe into my heart it grows as vast as the sky and I feel the most tremendous love. Then my mind begins the endless chatter…the white noise…the poltergeist of my ego. I am walking on a tightrope so scared of the heights…I am sky…space. Endless patience and love itself. Breathing into my heart…an expanding universe.

“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless, that it doesn’t have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.”

-Pema Chödrön-