Patterns tightly bound to my inner demons have recently resurfaced into my awareness. Resurfacing because of the fine line between fear and love. Creating a portrait from the map of my soul. I was again at a place I knew well…this time I had taken a different route…but first I will share a road I had travelled before.
Looking at an old entry journal I made last year around May, it reads:
“Today a person from a virtual community I’m part of called Spiritual Unite, wrote to me, “What a sweet and beautiful heart you have.” That simple message triggers a waterfall of tears. Later I met with a colleague who said something similar, but I feel lost. I feel forgotten and alone. I feel gone. I feel like a no one. An anonymous. The other day I posted something on Facebook that went something like this: “At the end of the day, I only ask myself: Did I love enough? Did I laugh enough? Did I make a difference?”; but these questions only remind me of the weary monotonous. Today I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve let myself down. What have I done that is enough for myself? I have been longing for the tenderness of love all my life. The love is in my heart and pours out to all of life, but why doesn’t it flow out to myself? Why is it so hard for me to love myself? Why doesn’t it seem that I don’t have enough for myself? Am I so unlovable?”
At this point in writing my journal entry, I had paused to listen to the song, “Burn it Blue,” performed by Caetano Veloso and Lila Downs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28YMEB–XsU
Continuing I wrote, “I don’t have to do enough for myself because I am enough. I don’t have to seek love because I am love. I AM that I AM. It’s my mind that keeps telling me I need more time….to find, to sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before we can be free or complete. I think I won’t find salvation…that ‘state of freedom’ because I’m not ‘good enough.’
NOW is the only point from where I can get there because I’m already there. I find love the moment I realize I AM love. Now is the only access point, so it isn’t about being loveable because I already am. I am approachable. I am enough. It’s about focusing my attention into the now deeply. Concentrating mindfully. Being mindfulness.”
I was at a familiar place in the landscape of my soul, however this time I had chosen a different way to move forward. I had to pass through the townships of pain, suffering, and even devastation. I checked my compass, and it was the right direction. Wending my way through the shadowy forest of self-doubt and insecurity, I came to a glen touched by the mysterious beauty of love. I was home.
Inner portrait maps show us back to the treasure chest of worth. Guiding us back to our divine beauty. Along the way we learn not only the value of giving love, but of receiving love.
“Through our maps, we willingly become a part of their boundaries. If our home is included, we feel pride, perhaps familiarity, but always a sense that this is ours. If it is not, we accept our roles as outsiders, though we may be of the same mind and culture. In this way, maps can be dangerous and powerful tools.” ~Debbie Lee Wesselmann~
“A map does not just chart, it unlocks and formulates meaning; it forms bridges between here and there, between disparate ideas that we did not know were previously connected.” ~Reif Larson~
*Portrait by Ed Fairburn
More of his artwork can be found at: