Sometimes letting go can become something unimaginable…unfathomable. It could mean the end of something. It could be the fear of what will happen next. Maybe its the feeling that everything will be lost. Or perhaps a fear that everything will fall to pieces. A loss of control. Whatever it is as long as there is holding tightly onto something, there is no space for abundance to move in. It is poverty mentality, miserly mentality. Even though you may become aware that you are holding onto something, funnily enough it may take quite awhile to figure out exactly what is it that you are holding onto so dearly. In this case for me, it has been my anger which I thought I had been managing more or less. In reality all that I’ve been managing is the suppression of my anger. Trapping myself and those around me in a vicious cycle. I’ve only recently realized this.
I’ve known for a long time that my anger is strong. I’ve also known that at times I lose my self-control. This anger having the potential to transform into an ocean of rage at any moment with great power to destroy. Thich Nhat Hahn says, “Anger always goes together with confusion, with ignorance.” Unfortunately, that has been true in my experience. I have lost awareness during actual outbursts while shame and guilt come rushing into the void. The intensity of negative emotion was enough to motivate me to stuff them all into an inner chest under lock and key and hide it in the dungeons of my mind. This allowed me to believe the illusion that I had my anger under control, and as long as I worked on myself to keep calm I would eventually experience inner peace. I believed that if and when my anger might escape its imprisonment it would be weak because of a lack of nourishment. However, this simply wasn’t true. In fact, the opposite was true. When someone or something would unleash the anger, it became like a wild animal devouring anything in its path in order to nourish itself because of the starvation I had imposed upon it.
Today I read words of Eckhart Tolle, that allowed me to look deeply and understand that I have been holding onto a mental-emotional resistance of what is…in me. A false perception of my anger. This inner resistance has continuously cut me off from those I dearly love, from myself, and the world around me. It has left me feeling utterly alone. It has left me as I left my anger in the darkest recesses of my mind. Now the inconceivable has surfaced. The unimaginable. Letting go. Surrender.
“Just because anger or hate is present does not mean that the capacity to love and accept is not there; love is always in you” -Thich Nhat Hanh-